A Guide to Family Meetings for Aging Parents

It’s only a matter of time before we must heed the call and help our aging parents manage their day-to-day lives. The challenge is real, complex and growing each year.

One way to approach this new relationship with your parents is to have a family meeting to discuss a path forward and create a plan for how wealth will transfer to the next generation.

For more than 30 years, the team at RWA has worked with hundreds of clients to discover shared values across generations and ensure that aging family members are financially comfortable and well cared for. Our conversations have ranged far beyond money and investing, encompassing emotionally charged topics like mortality as well as physical and social independence.

Since there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to this issue, we’ve outlined key steps to think about before, during and after that all-important first meeting. Address the following: finances, lifestyle, values, health care and legacy. As an adult child, it’s also a great opportunity to educate yourself on how the family’s wealth was built and how you can be a good steward.

If you feel uncomfortable raising the topic with your family, use this guide as an invitation for a more in-depth conversation with us about the responsibilities you expect to take on in the months and years ahead. Don’t hesitate to call us to find out how we can help you and your family with a meeting or a plan.

Whatever your approach, there’s no substitute for preparation.

Preparing for Your Family Meeting

• Define your goals.
  Regardless of who is involved in the planning (you and your parents, you and your siblings, or you and others), identify your top priorities for the meeting ahead of time and place them on a formal agenda. And don’t worry—at the start of this process, it’s common to be unsure of what those goals are or should be. Your advisor can help you determine them.
• Decide on participants.
  Who is most likely to make the meeting a success? A belligerent sibling, for example, might not be the best person to invite to a first meeting. (On the other hand, they might take offense if omitted.) A family lawyer or financial advisor might also be a good choice if your aging family members are open to discussing financial or health-related affairs outside their closest relations. Our advisors have attended many such meetings at our clients’ request.
• Determine who should run the meeting.
  To be most productive, every meeting needs a leader to keep the conversation on track. The best choice will depend on family and personality dynamics. Pick the person that participants are most confident in and emotionally comfortable with. If you have a lawyer or advisor participating, they can provide guidance and make sure everyone is heard.
• Decide how much should be shared.
  Are your parents comfortable revealing full financial details with all family members? If you anticipate a near-term change in lifestyle (such as downsizing a home, selling a car or hiring a care worker), you’ll need a more detailed picture of their finances. If you or they want to set boundaries on who knows what, it may make sense to have a private pre-meeting with whoever will be the financial point person and then speak in generalities at the larger gathering. Meetings can still be productive and valuable even without full disclosure since discussions and decisions encompass much more than just financial considerations.
• Set an agenda and schedule the meeting.
  Make an agenda and share it in advance so that everyone has time to prepare. Set a date and decide where to meet—depending on the size of your group, a family member’s house, an advisor’s office, a conference room at a hotel or a private room at a restaurant could work.

During the Meeting

• Review the agenda and stated goals.
  Remind participants that you’re working together to be advocates for aging family members—not making their decisions for them. Is there a concern that must be addressed? Review the goals identified before the meeting. Are they achievable? What’s the expected timeline for this transition? You may wish to discuss your parents’ experience with their own parents—what worked, what didn’t, what would they have changed?
• Designate a note-taker.
  It isn’t enough for someone to simply agree to take notes. As important points come up, check in to be sure that they are being recorded.
• Create a concrete list of next steps.
  As you move from one topic to the next, sum up with well-defined next steps. This will help keep the conversation focused. As you talk through the agenda and agree on follow-up items, make sure someone is assigned to handle each task. These tasks will form the basis of your family’s action plan. Your advisor can help with this.
• Appoint a coordinator.
  This point person will be responsible for checking in and keeping everyone on track after the meeting.

After the Meeting

Following up on the action plan agreed upon at the meeting will smooth the transition into managing affairs and care. The plan should be a living document that is adjusted to your family’s needs and capabilities over time. Try to meet once a year to address any updates that need to be made. If someone experiences a health event, you may have to review this document and alter your action plan sooner.

• Share notes.
  Summarize the action plan created during the meeting, write it down, and mail or email it to all attendees as well as those who might have been scheduled or wanted to attend but couldn’t.
• Follow up and follow through.
  Review any outstanding responsibilities or items with the assigned partner or family member—and make sure all agree.
• Review documents.
  So long as everyone is comfortable sharing information on assets, go over all legal and financial documents (wills, trust documents, health care directives, powers of attorney, etc.). Is everything (account owners, beneficiaries, etc.) current and consistent or are updates required? Note that beneficiary designations on accounts supersede estate documents.
• Create a record archive.
  Make a safe storage plan for your family’s important records. Know where hard copies are kept so that you’ll be able to access them in case of emergency. As an RWA client, you have access to eMoney’s secure online document “vault” (speak to your advisor for help accessing this). Online accounts and passwords can be shared by using a secure application designed for the purpose.
• Remember self-care.
  Finally, ask yourself if you need to make any personal or professional changes to adapt to and accommodate this new responsibility. Is this an opportunity for the younger generation to get its financial or legal affairs in order?

We’re Here To Help

We know it’s a lot to take in, especially when dealing with what can be a complicated and emotional topic. One way around this is to start these meetings early to build strong lines of communication ahead of time. Parents might start discussions when their children are in their teens or college years. This can set the tone for financial responsibility as they begin earning their own money and building a career. It also gives your family more time to find alignment on values and a shared financial legacy.

We should note that our advice assumes that all are willing participants. Forcing the issue is unlikely to be productive, so if your parents say “no” to discussing these topics, we’d suggest letting some time pass before trying again. People who are new to the idea and are initially resistant may reconsider with time or a bit of gentle persuasion—or if health or life circumstances change for anyone in the family.

In the meantime, consider this guide a resource. If you have any questions about it, or if you’d like to know more about how RWA approaches family meetings, your investment needs or your financial planning goals, please ask your advisor.